Here are the rest of the checklist questions, along with their answers. The text we are referencing is here.
The first half of the checklist is here.
Let’s jump right in, then.
Is the tension built leading into the payoff? If it is hidden, is the reader set up to make the revelation as jarring as possible?
I can see the start of some tension building in there. It seems buried behind description though. That can probably be made better
how are you demonstrating character in the scene? Is characterization driving the exposition (goal is to show something about the character) or is exposition driving the character(goal is to show the character’s reaction)?
Character driven exposition, completely. This scene is all about introducing Mirian, and trying to show her devotion, as well as establish her stakes for staying at the temple.
Is the scene efficient? Does it drive gracefully and fluidly toward its payoff moment or does it mark time needlessly?
Gah. No, it wanders a bit through description as I mentioned above.
Does the ending transition align with the mission and context of the next scene? Is it consistent with earlier transitions?
For the most part. The next scene picks up after the worship service has ended, so I think we transition pretty well into the next scene.
Have you avoided redundant or unneeded description?
Umm…. yeah, about that.
OK. That gets us through the questions. In addition to the corrections that these questions have prompted, I need to add some other details. Mirian is about to be given a mission that involves leaving the temple. This is distressing for her, and I need to plant a few seeds here as to why. I decided that she is going to be trying to become a prophetess, which also lends credence to her zealotry. Also, since she was raised at the temple from childhood, she has formed a close bond with Neijen, which serves as a sub-plot motivation later. Both of those can be hinted at within this text.
Next entry, we will start chopping up this version, and working toward something that will hopefully be much better!